always in the quiet hours (22 sept 2014)

at night i ask
when will i relearn to love myself
in the quiet hours

lessons i have yet to learn

(22 July 2014)

Things that start with
"maybe if I"
and end with
"then I will feel better'
rarely ever work.
Happiness will not come from someone else's touch
there is nothing and noone
you can put in your mouth
or on your body
that can bring you joy.

27 april 2014

self-loathing:
i find myself
relieved when vile men can
still find this expanse of flesh
appetizing

24 april 2014

you are
not a graceful
sleeper but i have learned
to love your sprawled sighs when
i can't
sleep.

primary caregiver

(july 2013)


Step one of growing older in the presence of the elderly: observe how the giants of your childhood wither into frailty
Step two: begin to second guess every eccentricity
Is this what they meant by signs to look for?
When did she get so small?
How could she have ever forgotten my birthday?
Step three: dance around her with the nervousness reserved for the ill.
She will look at you with the resentment that can only come from those whom illness has only left shame and regret.
Step four: begin to hold her hand again.

It is one to thing to care for the senescent
And another to do it in the house they raised you in.

bankrupt

(oct. 2013)


Part of me longs for richness

With wealth comes the freedom

To make your home in whatever place you like.

Tell me that true wealth comes from loving

And I will tell you that love goes far

But cannot feed empty bellies

You cannot pay bills on love alone

And too much of this life comes with a price.

Tell me I cannot eat money

But tell me what I can eat without it.

Tell me that true wealth comes from the people you hold in you heart

And I will tell you that there are people

Who want

-more than all these poor friends they seem to have-

To just stop feeling so worthless for a little while

Tell me again how your parents seemed completely certain

That sacrificing everything so their children could sample a bit of the lower middle class life was the right decision

Try telling them there is more to life than money

Tell me to rid myself of these ties to money

And I will tell you that you cannot unlearn generations of feeling that the money you earn is your only worth in one lifetime

And I still haven't learned to stretch poverty into a life lesson.

re: self care

I am learning mantras

And rubbing them

Like oils into my skin

Mine is a good body

And the world,

Wondrous as it is,

Is made more so

When I am in it

These are my balms.

Let them be salves

For the cracks in my soul.